Past Competitions

When I was 17, I first began to understand the concept of a "family of origin." I became aware of the influence mine had on me and resolved to shed its negative impacts and beliefs.

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As I observed society's so-called "norms," I gradually learned what the world considered "normal" and unconsciously formed my own "values." Yet, I soon realized that all this had only brought me shackles. Eventually, I understood that perhaps there is no true "normal." Society is more like a spectrum, everyone's thoughts stem from their own past experiences and cannot be neatly categorized or standardized.

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While searching for my values, I discovered the conflict between my "true self" and my "ideal self." To avoid seeming contradictory, I hid thoughts and emotions that didn’t align with my perceived values, even if they were genuine. Through this self-exploration, I realized that the more I tried to escape everything my family of origin had instilled in me, the more trapped I felt, unable to break free.

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Recently, I moved away from the home and neighborhood where I spent most of my childhood and teenage years. During the move, I came to understand that "home" had already taken on a fixed meaning in my heart. No matter my relationship with my family, no matter how much resentment I held, without my family members and the small details of daily life, an empty space felt hollow. Later, when I revisited my old house, I found it in disarray. In just a few weeks, everything had changed. Standing before what was once my home, I felt not nostalgia, but fear and estrangement. It struck me then that "home" isn’t just a physical space but it’s defined by the life shared with family and the traces they leave behind.

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當我17歲時，開始對”原生家庭”一詞產生了概念。我意識到原生家庭對我帶來的影響，並且決心擺脫這些負面影響和觀念，就像蛇脫去舊皮一樣。

 

在觀察社會的”常態”中，我逐漸學會社會「正常」的模樣，不知不覺地制定了屬於自己的”價值觀”，卻發現這一切還來的只是枷鎖。後來我意識到，”常態”或許並不存在。社會更像一個光譜，每個人的想法都源自於他們過去的經歷，不能被簡單地歸納和統一。

 

在尋找價值觀的同時，發現”真實自我”和”理想自我”之間的矛盾。我為了避免顯得自相矛盾，隱藏了那些”不符合價值觀”但卻是真實的想法和情緒。在這個自我探索的過程中，我發現越是逃避原生家庭所帶來的一切，我就越像是被困在其中，無法擺脫。

 

最近我搬離了我度過了大半個童年和青少年時期的家和地區。在搬家的過程中，我意識到”家”在我心中已經形成了一個固定的概念。無論與家人的關係如何，無論我對家有多少埋怨，缺少了家庭成員和生活中的細節，一個空蕩蕩的空間只會感到空虛，沒有了家熟悉的氛圍。另外，我曾經回到舊居，發現一片狼藉，短短幾星期內邊物是人非。見到眼前曾經的家，比起不捨與留戀，我卻是感到懼怕與陌生，意識到”家”並不僅僅是環境，而是關乎與家人共同生活和他們在生活中留下的痕跡。

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無論家庭狀況如何，家始終是家。

家是生活的一部分，而生活總是藏在細節中。

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